Sunday, May 31, 2009

It's when you start to take each other for granted


Dear Friend,

Anyone who has ever studied what the Bible says about marriage will be familiar with Genesis 2:24, which describes God's plan for the relationship between a husband and wife. The King James Version reads: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

Because it's so familiar, we often miss a very interesting word in the verse: cleave. That word is not exactly a normal word in our language; it means "to pursue with all of your energy."



It's when you start to take each other for granted, though, that some couples begin to fall out of love.

It literally means that you have to work. The formula is very simple: marriage is work, and it only works when we continuously work at it.

But unfortunately, we do it backwards. Our tendency is to only work at a relationship at the beginning. Once we know we have "won" the person's affection, we typically get lazy.

I remember when Karen and I first started dating. I was sixteen years old, and our first date, believe it or not, was a Three Dog Night concert. When I picked her up that night I was at my absolute best: I'd washed my car, I was wearing my nicest clothes, and was on my best behavior. She was impressed. But two years later--after we'd been together all that time--I wasn't giving a second thought to my car, my appearance, or my behavior. Why? Because she was already mine.

You fall in love because you work at it; and all couples work at it in the beginning. It's when you start to take each other for granted, though, that some couples begin to fall out of love.

We eventually stop working at our relationships. Or maybe we work on a few big events throughout the year--Valentine's Day, a birthday, an anniversary--and we hope that the dividends of our work will sustain us for the rest of the year.

But it doesn't last. Love is the most perishable commodity on Earth, and unless you care for it every day, it can spoil. When God provided manna for the children of Israel, He commanded them to gather it fresh every morning. They couldn't store it because it would rot overnight. Why did He do this? To increase His children's dependence on Him and to demonstrate just how faithful He is.

Marital love works the same way: it is only as strong as it is today. A marriage requires daily work and daily interaction. Many married people--especially husbands--look at marriage according to a point system: if we go shopping with her, we earn a point. Watching a romantic movie earns a point. Buying jewelry earns a lot of points.

While this may be an acceptable way to think about meeting each other's needs, we need to remember that the points are like Cinderella's coach; they disappear at midnight. The next day, we start over. Marriage is daily work, just like God said at the very beginning.

In Revelation 2:4, Jesus tells the church at Ephesus that they have forsaken their first love. He tells them to repent and return to the things that they were doing before.

Many married people--whether they're struggling in marriage or are simply getting by--have forsaken the things they first did to impress their spouse. What if you returned to your first love? What if you worked hard again at that relationship?

You might just fall in love...again.

Blessings!